


the lights that guide you home

by ivalueanonymity



Category: Chaos Walking - Patrick Ness
Genre: Coma, F/M, I love commas wayyy too much, Im not so sure about the first third or so, Post canon, Todd in a coma, but i really like the majority of it, i haven’t written in a long time, i think the writing improves as it goes along, i thought maybe someone else might like it though, i wrote this more for myself, its the basic fic, pls be nice when you read it, post MoM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:40:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23312512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivalueanonymity/pseuds/ivalueanonymity
Summary: Lying next to him, she can almost pretend that everything worked out the way it was supposed to.(an exploration of everything from the beach through to their happy ending)
Relationships: Viola Eade/Todd Hewitt
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	the lights that guide you home

**Author's Note:**

> so this is long! Apologies! its me throwing lots of short ideas down together, i hope you enjoy it! This was hard for me to write because I haven't written in a long time, and im certainly not as good as i used to be! I enjoyed writing it though.

It ends very quickly.  
The war, the mayor, the suffering.  
All of it.

Enough misery and suffering to last a thousand lifetimes, and it ends over the course of ten minutes.

It feels ridiculous, Todd thinks, that everything can be so very bad for so very long, and then, all of a sudden, just stop. It feels like a trick, he thinks, almost as if theres more to come, and the last card is not yet played-  
But it must be over, its got to be-

 _Please_ -

And before he knows it, Viola lands in his arms, and he opens his noise to her, properly, showing her everything, every awful thing, but also the good things too- like her, and how he feels, and how he doesn't want to leave her side ever again. And shes burying her face in his chest, holding him like shes never going to let go-  
And she doesn't have to, he thinks, never again.

She's there-  
So very there, and maybe it is over after all.

Maybe theres nothing left, except to live happily ever after, him and her, and Ben too, and everyone else they've met along the way, but also maybe just them sometimes, with the whole rest of their lives, to love and be happy.

Perhaps they've already had all the misery they're allowed in one lifetime.

Because that sounds awfully nice, after everything.  
It sounds awfully fair too.

But when has life ever been fair?

Because the next part happens all of a sudden too.

Theres a flash, and then hits the back of his head on the cold hard snow.  
It happens out of nowhere, and he's too shocked, in too much pain to realise where it came from.  
Because it hurts.

Effing hell, it hurts. Except he doesn't think eff.

And he sees Viola look down in horror at him, where he lies, and he's just confused and confused and in a writhing agony, and he doesn't know whats happening, not at all. All he knows is he wants to be back where he was a moment ago, holding her again. But she's looking at him, and she's shouting things to him, but he can't hear her over the sound of his own yelling noise.

 _Viola_?

He only realises then, amongst the swirling red pain, that threatens to lull him into unconsciousness, and all he thinks is the pain, about how it hurts, about how he's never felt anything so awful in his entire life-

Only then he realises he cant breathe.

He tries, but theres no air moving in and out his chest, and he's aware this is very bad, very bad indeed, and suddenly his vision is closing in from the sides, and-

Turns out things can go wrong very quickly too.

Viola is on top of him now, pulling whats left of his shirt away, and he looks for the first time at what's left of his chest- a bloody, bubbling, smoking hole, and he realises with strange detachment he's going to die. He's going to be dead in seconds. He still cant breathe and it feels like he's going to drown, just like the mayor did, and it hurts, it still hurts, it hurts more than he could ever imagine hurting.

Then panic hits.

He doesn't want to die, he's not ready and he doesn't want to die here, not on this beach, not at all, preferably, but not so soon, not right now, please, not right now. Not when everything was over. And Viola seems ever further away, he can barely see her now, and he wants to be with her more than anything. She's so blurry, she comes in and out of focus, and he's screaming in his head for her to stay with him, please don't let him die alone.

He doesn't want to die alone.

He wants to say-  
_I'm_ _sorry_  
_I'm_ _so_ _so_ _sorry_ , _for_ _everything_

 _I_ _love_ _you_

And then he can't see much of anything at all, and he can't see her either-  
_Where_ _did_ _she_ _go_?

 _Don't_ _leave_ _me_ _here_ , he thinks

_Viola_?

\----  
The first thing he notices, is that it doesn't hurt anymore.  
In fact, he feels nothing at all.

And when he looks out, he is watching from afar.  
Sees his own body, broken, limp and lifeless on the beach-  
Covered in blood-  
So much blood-  
Sees Viola, cradling him against her, like it will turn back time, and she's crying, shes crying in a way he's never seen anybody cry before, and he wants nothing more than to stop it-  
To make her happy-  
To wipe her tears and hold her close again-

Because he did this to her,  
didn't he?  
He's the one who made her so sad.

But whatever this place is, he doesn't have a body in which he can comfort her- he is thought and air only, and he can only watch on, helpless.  
While she hurts.  
He doesn't like that.  
Not at all.

He notices then, the blood that covers her whole front, her face, her hands, everywhere-  
And he's so scared-  
Because she cant be hurt too-  
No-  
No no no-  
But the blood is all his own.

And theres another figure on the beach then, one he cant quite work out straight away, and then oh-

Oh, god-  
It's Ben-

He doesn't want Ben to see him like this either,  
He doesn't want Ben-  
Who raised a son, that was never quite his, and yet always was-  
Who lost his son so many times-  
He doesn't want him to see his son's broken body,  
He doesn't want him to hurt either.

But he does,  
And he has to watch it, for he cannot look away.  
Watch his father cry,  
Pack ice onto his already cold body,  
Knowing theres nothing to be done-  
Gently rocking his body backwards and forwards, as if he's a baby, rather than a dead thing-

While Viola confronts a third figure on the beach.

He strains to see the third, but the picture wont clear the same way it did for Ben and Viola. The figure is just out of reach, slightly too far-

And then he sees it-  
1017-

So he must have done this-  
Killed him-  
Gotten his revenge at long last-  
And he's annoyed of course-  
Because it was a terrible time to be killed-  
A sudden bright future, the sudden ability to hope-

And then ripped away, as sudden as it came-  
It's unfair-

But he cant bring himself to be mad.  
Because perhaps this is the least 1017 deserved,  
And he cannot argue that this isn't what he deserved too-  
So many are dead, who were far better people-  
Far bigger losses-  
And he isn't blameless for that.

All he wishes is that it didn't have to hurt Viola and Ben so much too.

And something has shifted on the beach,  
Though its getting harder to see,  
As everything gets lighter and lighter, and he feels ever further and further.

Viola struggles to stand.  
She's so sad-  
Oh-  
She's breaking-  
Please don't cry Viola-  
Not for him-  
He doesn't deserve it.

He watches as Viola mounts Angharrad, holding his body as she does, cradling him so very carefully, protecting his head, as if its not far too late for that. Then her and Angharrad are gone, and soon they're all gone. But he remains. He remains wherever he is, too far away. He cannot follow them where they go.

He wants to tell Angharrad to look after Viola,

 _Keep_ _her_ _safe_ , _girl_

But Todd knows that she will. She never let him down in all his life, and he knows his brilliant horse ain't starting now.

And then he thinks how everything has gone white.

And then he thinks nothing at all.

\----  
The first days are the hardest, because at first he _is_ dead. He has no pulse, he does not breathe. He is dead. And thats the most awful thing in the world.

Her light is gone, but perhaps not forever.  
The land think they might be able to heal him still.  
Might.  
It's worth a shot, they think, but it is unknown. He is human, for one thing- and he is hurt so much worse than The Source was. Ben required stitching and gentle healing- Todd needs something of a different league entirely. But still, The Sky tells them to do everything they can to save him, and they will. They are rarely alone in those days, the tent is full almost always with those who are working on Todd. Fighting against Todd's best efforts, it seems, to leave them completely. It happens more than once, where they think he is gone for good now, for his noise only to return after. Its a horrible way to live.  
Viola sits amongst the chaos, holding his hand throughout, only surrendering her hold of it when they need it to keep him alive.

Her own hands are bandaged too. She hadn't noticed at the time, but when she was holding Todd, pulling the fabric off his chest, the acid burnt her too. Not severely, but enough that Ben had to sit and bandage her hands for her. Something she never noticed before about Ben, but does now she spends more time with him- is that his mannerisms so clearly mirror Todd's. It makes sense they would, of course, but it surprises her when she first notices.  
At first she liked it, because it felt like a part of Todd was sitting with her still, but now it just reminds her how much she misses him.

And its in the early weeks that his noise stops completely. It has done so before, something theres nothing but an awful silence from him, sometimes it lasts days.  
But it always comes back, or at least it has.

Doesn't stop it being so scary though.  
She asks Ben how long they wait for his noise to come back, and at what point they'll say it won't, when they'll say he's finally gone forever, they'll bury him, and she'll just have to learn to live with missing him forever and ever-

Ben does not like the question, and he doesn't answer- but he is worried too, she can see that on his face without even listening to his noise.

It's during those darkest nights when she has a moment of weakness, and she crawls up onto the stone table beside him.

It's an odd thing, to sleep curled up against a body. He is cold to the touch- she finds she hates that, but he still smells like himself, and she finds she does like that. So, that night she sleeps next to him, holding onto him. She positions one of his arms over her and when she closes her eyes she can almost pretend that he's here, they're both awake, and that they actually got their happily ever after. Perhaps this is just a lazy Sunday morning, and they're pretending to be asleep in each others arms because the moment is so nice and peaceful, and neither of them wants to move. When they finally get up there wont be anything awful waiting, because its all over, and they have the rest of their lives to just Be. Perhaps they have a baby too, and they named her Maddy, and shes just the most perfect thing in the world- Viola swears that she looks just like Todd, but he'd swear that she's Viola's double. Perhaps when Viola is wrapped in Todd's arms, feeling him breathe, feel the gentle thumping of his heart, and he'll shift slightly so he presses a gentle kiss into the top of her head, and maybe in that moment life would just be perfect, and it would be all she's ever wanted. Perhaps they can hear Maddy stirring, so one of them should really get up. But maybe, it can wait just a few more minutes, let them lie here together, for just a few moments more.

Lying next to him, she can almost pretend that everything worked out the way it was supposed to.

Still-  
She sleeps better than she has in weeks.

When she wakes, Viola presses a gentle kiss to his forehead, and watches him for a while.  
If this was a fairytale, like the ones she read as a child, he would wake just then. The prince would open his eyes at the kiss, to see the beautiful, tearful princess beside him.

But this is not a fairytale.  
And Todd is not a prince.  
Though she can hardly claim to be much of a princess herself.  
\---

She finds that she settles into a routine. It makes her feel closer if she can look after him in some way or other. And it gives her a false sense of helping, like she is helping bring him out the coma by washing the blood out his hair, or shaving his face for him.

One of the days she decides quite abruptly, that she needs to get rid of the trousers he's wearing. His bottom half has remained surprisingly untouched compared to his chest, which seems to be worked on almost constantly in the first few weeks, so those awful trousers given by the mayor remain in place.  
"I don't want him to wake up in them," she tells Ben, and he agrees. So they find him new ones, and later she tells Todd about it.

\----  
The next months are full of firsts.

There's the first breath he takes, which fills her with so much joy its almost like he's woken up there and then. It comes after a long bad period, little noise, little of anything. There are parts where she'd known it wasn't looking good at all. But then all at once, He takes a breath, then another, then another. And placing her hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall, she can feel the strong beat of his heart too. It might just be the first time she thinks that he really will come back.

There's the first time he hears her as she speaks to him. The first time that she hears herself in his noise, as she speaks. At first she thinks maybe this is the start of him waking- it's not, which is disappointing, but still. It's a very good day. She says,  
"Todd? Can you hear me"  
And she hears _yes_ , _yes_? _Viola_? .

  
But then the noise fades, and he is lost again. It hurts, as it always does. But she tightens her grip on his hand, and it feels like maybe he won't stay lost for long.

Some of the firsts are not as happy, and there are firsts she wishes had never happened at all.

Theres the first time she leaves his side. She hadn't planned to leave him, not until he woke up- but around the fifth month of whatever this is, she starts to get cabin fever. Ben notices long before she does,  
"Take a break, Viola" he says, in his calm voice, "you're allowed to take a break"  
And she says no, no, she won't leave him until he wakes. But Ben insists, and she lets him- because it's true, she does need a break.

She feels guilty, leaving him behind there- but she does, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead-  
"I'll be back soon" she says, and she nods at Ben who smiles- glad she is finally giving herself a break. She forces herself to leave quickly, because she knows if she lingers too long she might not leave at all.  
It is summer now, and the sun beats down on her face. She wanders through forest and hillside, places she's been with Todd before. There, and there, and there. Places they've been together. Places they should be together now, but places they will be together again soon. She recognises a certain part of the forest and oh-

She knows here-  
He carried her down here-  
While she bled to death-  
While his noise was screaming louder than her own thoughts-  
And her own world closed in-  
And it was just him, amidst it all-  
All she could see-

And then she woke alone-  
And everything started so much worse than before-

She sits down. And she cries.

She finds herself again, and she continues into the city.

The city is bustling and it feels all wrong. There are so many people going about their lives, like they never stopped, like nothing has ever happened- while her life hasn't moved forward a minute in several months. It feels like she missed the forging of this new world, one she thinks she might quite like if there was a certain someone by her side. She feels resentment then, at how much she's missed, and how her life ended when her sun went out, but no one else's has . The resentment isn't at Todd, nor is it really at The Sky, but at everything, at fate itself- because it's not fair, no, its not fair at all.

The city is new, because the old one is at the bottom of a lake. Viola hasn't been here before but she's seen enough in the noise of others to feel like she has rough bearings on it. She meets Lee in a little coffee shop, like they arranged to, and they talk over lunch.  
It feels good to talk to someone who can reply.

He makes her laugh at one point- for the first time in as long as she can remember- but she feels guilty almost immediately after. How can she laugh, when Todd's life hangs in the balance?  
Lee seems to notice.

"You're allowed to smile, Vi," he says, as if he can read her mind. And she frowns because he doesn't know, he doesn't understand, but he continues anyway-  
"He won't come back faster if you stay miserable- he wouldn't want that, you know,"

And viola thinks its good she doesn't have noise because all of a sudden she feels anger, even though she knows he's right- because he is.  
So she stays, and she fights the urge to run back up the hillside to a sleeping Todd, and she finds the longer she stays the easier it gets to be separated.

She notices things, the way the birds sing, how pretty the blue sky is, how the people in the cities bustle with hope. And she doesn't want to catch it, but it's really infectious and by the time she returns to the tent, she is full of it. Hope for her, for Todd, for the future. For their future.

And because it's then, because it happens when she's happy, when she's buzzing with hope, it hurts so much worse.

Because she walks right into the commotion of another first, and not a good one.  
It's the first time they nearly lose him.

The tent is busy, and there is far too much yelling for her to know what is going on at first. Mistress Lawson is here- which isn't a good sign because she doesn't like this place at all. There are pads attached to Todd's chest, and she holds them, delivering shock after shock to him, making his body jump each time- but all Viola can see is the way his head lulls back against the table each time. In between each shock, Ben is straddled across his son, pumping down on his chest. Viola can hear the cracking of his ribs.

Ben is shouting, yelling at his son-  
"Stay with me, Todd" he shouts- "Work with me,"

And Mistress Lawson uses her stethoscope, searching for a pulse, shakes her head, not finding it- and the horrific dance starts again.

Its all she can manage not to knock everyone aside.  
She wants to yell "stop, stop, you'll hurt him"  
But she does not yell.  
She finds she can't even move,  
She watches it as if in slow motion, watches herself lose everything that mattered to her.  
Because no-  
It can't end like this-  
Her beautiful, brave, Todd-  
No-  
No-

She has never been religious, but in that moment she prays.  
Not to a god, exactly.  
But to the universe itself.  
Anyone who might be listening.  
Please, leave her Todd here.  
Do not take him just yet.

And she doesn't know how long it takes, because time seemed to stop the moment she saw it. And she stands rooted to the floor in the chaos, feeling like her own soul has been ripped out her body through the soles of her feet.

But it does happen.  
Mistress Lawson takes her stethoscope and listens to his chest, and she smiles, and says "he's back,"

But Viola just feels exhausted.  
She crawls on to the table and sleeps next to him that night.

Its a very long time before she leaves the tent again.  
\---

Viola sits by his side one night, one of the bad nights, where he's fully silent, and he gives no sign that he's alive at all. She takes his hand in both of hers, tracing the edges of his fingers with her own, committing his hand to memory, like she doesn't already know it as well as her own.

"Hey," she says.

It's funny, how even now, she almost expects a response, and how the lack of it still hurts.

"How've you been?" She asks him, as she does often when she hasn't got anything more to say, and his mother's book is at the depressing part, and life is sad enough already. Asking as if he might reply, as if she hasn't been by his side every moment for months.

Theres a silence between them then, and she lets it sit for a while. After a moment, she moves one of her hands onto his face, running it down the side of his cheek, his shoulder, and his arm, gently stroking his skin, before she lets it come to rest lightly on the small part of his chest not bandaged.

"You know, Todd, if I was braver - I would tell you that it's ok, that you're allowed to let go if you're ready. I'd say, you don't have to keep fighting if you don't want to, you're allowed to go, you can be done if it's too much, and I'd tell you I understand, I love you so much, but I understand" and she looks at him, finding the back of her throat swelling with tears she cant quite hold back. "But I'm not brave, you hear me?" She continues, "When I thought you were gone, properly gone, I didn't know what i was going to do, Todd, you left me all alone on this awful planet. You're the only constant in all of this, and I felt as alone as I did when I first met you. I can't imagine what life would be like every single day without you, knowing you cant come back and I'd never see your pretty smile again, never hear you, never hug you, never-"

And her voice cracks and shes silent again for a while.

"You cant leave me here alone. You've got to keep fighting, for me, please,"

She presses a kiss to the back of his hand.

Todd does not move.  
\----  
Todd find the darkness strange.

He is lost to the world, and lost to himself too.

The thoughts are like soap- just there, just out of reach, and when he makes a grab for them they slip away into nothing. Memories too. They are there until he tries to recall them, tries to focus, tries to think, and then he is back in the abyss.

His world is dark.

He knows he is missing something, but the slipperiness of the thoughts will not let him find out what.

Sometimes there are words punctuating the blackness. Tiny lanterns to guide his way home. Fuzzy and orange, but There. They keep him there even at their dimmest. They tether him to whatever is outside the inky darkness of himself, and stop him from sinking too far in that he can't come back.

He hears the words but he struggles to understand them. The meaning, like everything else, is just out of reach. But he likes the lights, and the lights call him home.

If only there were more.

And at some point there are more, because eventually he finds he can hear things a lot of the time, and sometimes he can even make sense of what he hears.

But a lot of the time there is nothing too.

But he fights as best he can, though he's not so sure how. He wants up and out the darkness, to find the source of his guiding lights.

\----  
He does not wake gently.

Waking from it might just be one of the strangest feelings he will ever experience. He fights for so long, to free himself from the long black tendrils of this almost sleep. Almost sleep, because sleep would be too simple, and this is different- not quite dead, but certainly not alive either.There's the strangest sensation, and he feels himself rise through layers and layers of darkness, and theres sudden memories flashing all over the place and the darkness slowly gets less dark. He finds himself stuck there for a while, on the very edge of regaining consciousness, almost aware of his surroundings, and almost able to open his eyes, but he's so tired, and his head hurts and he thinks he might hurl. When he does manage to open an eye, just one at first, his vision swims. He cant make out much of anything, except that he doesn't recognise his surroundings at all.

The pain hits in a wave just about then, a huge thing, that makes his head spin, and if he didn't already feel sick and groggy, the pain would make sure of it. He feels like his entire body has been stomped on, like he's been dragged behind a horse, and the pain seems to radiate from every corner of him. He doesn't know why. And its wrong, its all wrong. His head isn't clear at all, and everything spins and he doesn't understand, he doesn't understand. Both his eyes are open now, and he can barely see, but he cant see anyone with him, he's alone, he's alone- why is he alone?

Fear hits the deepest pit of his stomach, because this isn't right, this is all wrong, something has happened, something bad. He thinks of other times that he's woken like this, groggy and sore and confused. Alone. And he realises it's always been the mayor, always, and he thinks, it must be the mayor this time too. He doesn't know how or why, but it must be. Oh god, it must be. He thinks on what he'll do to him now, after what he did, and he's going to hurt him, isn't he? He's going to hurt him and hurt him until theres nothing left to hurt, and then, when he's nothing but a broken shell, the Mayor will kill him too. And he thinks then suddenly of Viola, because the mayor better not have hurt her, because if he's touched a single hair on her head- and then Ben too, because no, no, if he's woken into a world without them, he didn't want to wake up at all. He hurts, all over, but he knows he needs to leave, to escape before the mayor finds him, he doesn't want to die, no, no, he needs to get out of here. His body feels too heavy, and he can barely move- he thinks he might be sick if he does, but he will fight with everything left in him.

Suddenly there's hands on him, holding him down against the table. Let me go, he thinks, get off me, and he fights, as hard as he can. His arms are like lead and he can barely move, but he writhes, and he twists, thrashing, anything to rip away the hands, he fights as hard as he ever has, he needs to escape, to save Viola, to save Ben, to save himself, but the hands are too strong, he cant push them away, but he tries, he tries, please, he thinks. But all he can feel is the cold hard table, and the unfathomably strong hands. And then amidst it all, among the rising panic, a voice. He can barely hear it over the terror of his noise, But it gives him pause. Because it sounds like, despite it all, it sounds like-

Viola has one hand gently on the side of his face, running her thumb over his cheek, fingers in his hair, grown out from so long away, the other harder against his shoulder, pining him down against the table. There's fear in His eyes, fear in his noise, fear all over him. It hurts her to see him like this, to see him afraid and scared. She'd wondered and daydreamed about what shed say first when he could finally hear her,

_I love you_  
_I missed you_  
_I thought I'd lost you_  
_I was so scared, so scared_  
_I thought i was all alone on this cruel planet_  
_You have no idea what its like here without you._  
_Don't you ever leave me like that again,_  
_I love you_

__

_Im so glad you're home._

__

But she knows, holding him as he shakes with fear, trying to twist himself from her grip, to escape- they are not the right words-

"Shhh," she whispers, "I'm here, you're okay", his eyes are darting wildly about looking for anything, not seeing her, barely hearing anything over his sheer terror, thrashing what he can move of his body, as she rubs little circles into his shoulder, "you're safe, I've got you, no ones going to hurt you"  
And then his eyes find her.  
And he sees her, finally sees her,  
And oh-

He's home.

\---

Todd's noise is Singing, going _Viola, Viola, Viola,_ and there's questions still, how did he get here, how long has he been here, where is here, whats happened outside- but they can wait for a while, because here he is, alive, noise as Loud as the day she met him, even though its changed because of course it has, its still him, its got him all over it- and she feels like she falls in love all over again. Because he's back, he's home, and she doesn't think the smile on her face will leave as long as she lives. She's still holding his face in her hands, and she doesn't think she'll ever be able to let go either, because, oh-

He wants to sit up, she can see it in his noise, as well as how he attempts and fails to place his hands to push himself up- turns out several months dead will do that to you, who knew?  
"Are you sure?" She says, and she notices she's shaking, and then "let me help you"

She slips both arms round his sides and lifts him as gently as she can, and suddenly it floors her how she's holding him the same way she did on the beach where she held Todd in her arms as he Bled into the cold harsh snow, as he choked on his own blood while his noise screamed _No No Not Now_ and as he,

as he-  
(Its hard to think about even now)

As he died in her arms.

Viola remembers the sudden heaviness in her arms as he became nothing but weight, remembers searching his eyes for the light behind them, even though she knew it was gone, because she watched it go. Viola remembers the moment her heart broke into so many pieces she thought it was going to kill her too.  
She remembers wishing it had.

But he's not dead, is he?  
He's here, with her, in her arms, breathing, watching, and his noise is as loud as it was the day they met.  
So why does it still hurt?

"Viola?" He says, and its quiet, barely audible over the crashing of his newfound noise, its different to how it was before, but its still his, its got him all over it, he's loud, and he's perfect, he's hers, forever and ever, and as long as they both live She wont leave him, not now, not ever, because dear god she missed him.

"Viola" he says again, stronger this time, but his voice still scratchy from disuse. But his hand is now on her face, wiping away tears she didn't know were there.

"It's okay," he says, "I'm here," he pauses, coughs, catches his breath because its true what they say, 9 months dead really does takes it out of you,

"I didn't never need noise to read you, Viola Eade'",

She pulls him close, wrapping her arms around him as tight as she can, pressing her hands into his back, feeling the rise and fall on his chest against hers. He's breathing, she can feel how he breathes and she's never been so thankful for anything in my life, and she doesnt think she ever will be. One of his hands settles on the small of her back, the other in her hair, and theres no space between them, but its not close enough, she want to be closer, wants him to be closer, So she pulls him tighter still, desperate to be closer and he will never be close enough. She is afraid when she lets go, he's going to be gone again and she just couldn't bear-  
"I ain't going anywhere, Vi" he says, and he was right before. He doesn't need noise to read her, and he never has.  
Still, she cannot bring herself to let go of him and she doesn't.

"I missed you", She says, and her hands feel his back, taking in every little bit of him, making up for the lost time, feeling the warmth in his skin, she missed him more than she will ever be able to express. He's alive, he's so alive, her sweet Todd.

His noise just goes _Viola, Viola, Viola_

And she doesn't believe shes ever felt so happy in her life.

\-----

He sits, propped up against her jacket- though he notices how it's really one of his old ones, from before everything seemed to go wrong. It makes him smile, to think of her wearing his clothes. She sits up on the table with him, entangling her limbs with his. She explained things, everything. Its an odd conversation to have with someone, to tell them that they've missed 10 months, but he takes it surprisingly well. She explains everything thats happened, how he ended up here. She tells him about her, her life over the past ten months, the highs, the lows- the worst days, when she was so sure he wouldn't come back- and then he holds her while she cries. Later, she'll hold him when he does the same.

It's a very emotional time between them, eventually they just sit in silence, but it's not silent really- Todd is loud even when he's not speaking. They hold each other, and its a tender moment. He rests his head on her shoulder and she just strokes his hair. It's right now that she wishes she had noise too- because she feels so much for him, so much that she doesn't have the words to say- but it's ok, because he knows. He knows.

At some point he asks to see his horse. He wants to go say hello to her. And Viola knows she's outside, but she tells him she's not sure if she should leave bed just yet- but he insists-  
"Please," he says, and he gives her a look, a look for so long she thought she'd never see again, that yesterday she'd have given anything for it just once more.  
"Okay," she says.

She helps him as he tries to put his feet on the floor. He wants to walk, but she makes sure that she is supporting almost all of his weight with her arms wrapped around him. They move slowly- and his legs shake. She presses a kiss to his cheek. Cause he's back, he's here, he's just there-  
But he does not make it far. Two steps, and his knees buckle- Viola catches him moments before his head smacks the edge of the table.

And Todd is embarrassed now, she can hear it all over him. He's so weak, he doesn't like this, he wants to be himself again-but he does like how she holds him, just so. Viola does not tell him how it hurts her heart to see him so weak. But he is healing, she reminds herself, he will get better. So she sits him on the edge of the table- and she just hugs him as tight as she can.

Then she has an idea.  
She slips one arm under his knees, and the other round his shoulders- balancing his head against her shoulder. And Todd is embarrassed to be carried like this, but he also likes it too- and Viola pretends she cant hear him. But she does press another kiss into the top of his head. She decides she likes doing that- and she's missed ten months of opportunity- she will do it more, and not just because she likes the way Todd's noise glows with love and safety when she does.

She carries him outside, and when he sees his horse, he smiles so wide, Viola feels it too. He reaches one hand out to Angharrad, running it down her nose. The other hand stays firmly on the back of Viola's neck.

"Hey girl," he says,  
And she just goes _boy colt_ _boy colt boy colt_

And the future seems so bright, its like a hundred suns all rising together.

\----

It happens on one of the rare occasions Ben is not with Todd and Viola. He spends most of his time at pathway's end, but he leaves sometimes, to get things for the three of them, for meetings on the future of the new world, for a break sometimes- because everything thats happened is so heartbreaking.  
Ben arrives at pathways end quickly, in a panic. He'd heard that he needed to come to pathways end, quickly, but the nature of why seemed to have been lost in communication. So when pathways end shields noise from the inside, Ben feared the worst. He had run, miles, not sure what he'd find when he got there.

So when he arrives, and the first thing he hears is laughing- a laugh thats scratchy, and punctuated with coughs, but without doubt one he hasn't heard in far too long- because there was not much laughter happening with everything happening at the end of the war, its perhaps a laugh he hasn't heard since the farm, and oh-  
Oh-  
He just falls to his knees.  
He thanks the universe for bringing his son home.

Maybe everything will be okay after all.  
\---

He tires quickly, forgivable for someone who just came back from the dead. She lies next to him, and he just strokes her hair. She can't help but watch his face, his chest, the signs of life all over him. Its the most beautiful thing she's ever seen.

For the first time, he watches her fall asleep first.

And they sleep soundly, together, entwined limbs, reunited at last.  
\---

Months pass, and he regains his strength, slowly but surely, and Viola sees more of him coming back every single day. One of the days, they go for a walk. He's so much stronger than he was before. She barely needs to help him down the slope, though she might have a firmer grip on his hand than she would otherwise. She leads him down the hill, and they stop to let him rest in a grassy clearing.

He sits down, and Viola opens her bag. She puts down a blanket and brings out a thermos. She pours tea for them both, and they sit for a moment, just enjoying being with each other. She hands him a sandwich, she made a few earlier and packed in her bag.

This is a little routine of theirs now. They walk as far as Todd can manage- and when they stop, they have a picnic. Often Ben joins them, or Wilf, sometimes Lee too. But today it is just the two of them. Maybe they have got their happy ending after all, it certainly feels like it.

Todd flops onto his back, breathing heavy.

"You okay?" She asks, hating how worried she sounds already,

But he is okay, he's just pushed himself to get here, because this is the furthest they've managed so far.  
"I'm proud of you," she says, and then he sits up , closer to her than before. He does not speak but he halves the distance between them. He kisses her, properly, and his noise just wraps them both in a huge wave of love. Because he loves her. He loves her move than he's ever loved anything. And he doesn't ever want to stop kissing her.  
Her hands are on him, just under his shirt, gently skimming the soft skin under the scaring and he likes that, yes he likes that, it tickles a bit though, but he likes being close to her, he loves her, and that love is so strong his heart hurts and when he pulls away Viola is blushing because of course she heard him, but oh she's very pretty, oh she's so pretty, with her hair just so, and her eyes just shine and suddenly she's kissing him too.

This world is mean and scary, but when he's with her, he could do anything.

They watch the sunset together, holding each others hands, and they find themselves later under a starry tapestry of the night sky. Viola lies down with her head in Todd's lap, feeling his fingers comb through her hair, and they talk. About nothing and everything- and if this isn't their happy ever after, its awfully awfully close.

This world is cruel, but it can be very kind too.

\----

They do get their happy ever after.

Years later, they sleep in the same bed, a baby asleep in the next room. The nightmares have improved, but they aren't fully gone yet, though Viola doubts they ever will. She doesn't mind them so much now- because now she knows how they end. They end with Todd, killed on the beach- and her awake, heart racing in bed. But thats not really the ending- because Todd lived. He recovered, because anyone that stubborn doesn't go down without a fight. Sometimes, she needs to roll over, and watch her sleeping husband. Husband, because they did get married eventually- not in a church- not after everything, but a simple thing with their friends, and a barbecue in the garden after- so she watches Todd, peaceful in his sleep, watch the rise and fall of his chest- and she'll stretch a hand out so rest ever so gently on his sleeping chest- to feel it rise and fall, remind herself she's here- and he's here too- he came back.

She does it every so often, a gentle hand reached out in the night- just to feel the rise and fall. They don't have many secrets between them these days, but that is something that is just for her. He does not need to know, he would only worry. It steadies her own breathing, reminding her that the impossible did happen, that he came home. That if she said his name, his pretty eyes would open, he'd smile that crooked smile at her, and he'd realise without her saying anything that she needed him- and he'd open his arms to her, she'd settle her body curled into his chest- the nasty great scar being the only reminder of what happened- and in the warmth, the sweet smell of him, and the noise that would be equal parts concern, and love, and safety- she'd fall asleep. She lets him sleep though. She only wakes him on the really bad nights, which seem few and far between now. Most of the time, a hand, gently feeling his breath, is enough.

He has nightmares too, the noise makes them louder, and they often wake her. She doesn't mind. She shakes him gently from sleep, whispering reassurances, and he opens his eyes and when he sees her his noise just says  
" _hey_ , _you_ ",  
and they smile at each other, and wrap each other up in their arms.

The rain outside is soft against the window panes; they are safe, and warm, and loved.  
There is such a thing as a happy ending.

**Author's Note:**

> I used to be better at writing i promise. If you got this far tysm!! Ily.  
> stay safe!
> 
> If you made it this far and you feel so inclined kudos makes me world go round and a comment will probably make me name my firstborn after you :,) love you


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